LankyArchaeology

Littleborough


Number Seven

The LankyArchaeology Society was formed in 3008.


LankyArchaeology Society

PRESS RELEASE


For immediate release

December 6th 3020.


 

    A series of cave paintings has been discovered on the outskirts of the former settlement of Littleborough. The township sunk into the mud around 1000 years ago when the sub-soil was unable to support the weight of a government-sponsored building programme. The paintings were found in a derelict visitor centre and depict tantalising evidence of an inland body of water.


   The paintings were somewhat degraded after around 1000 years in the local climate. Local weather patterns described by natives in the early 21st Century, as shite.


    The indigenous people hereabouts used a peculiar dialect call Romancashire. Translations of the painted texts  indicate the lake was known colloquially as:


    Aqueous decies centena imagini nil focusum


    A rather wordy description translated as:


    Lake of a million blurred photographs.


    The lake is located within the crater of an extinct volcano, the sides of which are estimated to have originally risen to a height of around 3000 ft.

  

    The artwork depicts local people trudging round and round the lake perimeter, over a period of a number of years, often with a thousand-yard stare, sometimes dragging unwilling, domesticated animals. Over aeons the walls of the volcano were eroded by this constant marching. By the time the borough disappeared, the pathway was almost at water level.


    One further conundrum indicated by the paintings is discussion about a freedom of movement policy called ‘Right to Roam’. This perversely appears to have coincided with a building programme designed to cover every blade of grass with concrete.


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LankyArchaeology Society

PRESS RELEASE


For immediate release

March 7th 3021.


 

    During reconstruction of a high-speed scooter / cycle track archaeologists have uncovered evidence of a former waterway. An ancient tablet, discovered nearby, sheds light on the discovery.

   

    When deciphered from the local Romancashire dialect, the tablet made reference to the mysterious name of the waterway, One Hundred Anal, abbreviated to C. Anal.


    Archaeologists believe that the watercourse was used as some sort of ancient sewer, hence the ‘Anal’ reference.

   The mystery deepened when evidence of stool-like objects was discovered on the path which ran alongside the sewer. So, why was the path used to dispose of waste products and not the sewer itself?


    Stools, carefully packaged in small plastic casks, were discovered in bushes by the side of the C. Anal.


    This aspect of the mystery appears to have been solved by translation of the following sentence on the ancient tablet:  


    Valet stercus unus ex duobus viam in rubo


    which translates as:


    One turd on the path is worth two in the bush


    The use of plastic stool sacks was extensive. It appears that our ancient ancestors also threw the plastic sacks in the long grass in times of fruitful harvest. When the foliage died back in the winter, numerous plastic bags could be seen covering the landscape. When analysed, the contents of these sacks seems to indicate that the wolf-like creatures of the period, probably domesticated, thrived largely on a diet of horse-meat.


    Fortunately for us in the year 3021, the plastic sacks are perfectly preserved (plastic has an undetermined half-life, many millennia for certain) so we were able to identify the stools.


    We here at the Lankyarcheology Society are still trying to unravel the revolting habits of our ancestors.


   Plastic was superseded by bamboo roughly nine-hundred years ago but thanks to plastic we have uncovered a fascinating, if nasty, ancestral trait.


Ends.