A Dog and a Table

A Dog and a Table

    I’ve cobbled together a table from the abandoned remains of a couple of old picnic benches that were destined for the bonfire. It took me two days jet washing, planing and sanding followed by half a day’s cobbling. To finish, a couple of coats of wood stain / preserver. It’s an outdoor table that will sit on the lawn all summer and be a repository for burgers, booze and bird shit.

    How does the dog fit in? Well, he’s had a bit of waterworks trouble which required a course of antibiotics. The vet gave me a ‘urine-collecting-kit’ which comprised an elongated ‘pee-catcher’ about four inches long and two wide that attached to a sample bottle. When the bottle’s full, simply detach from the pee-catcher and return the sample to the vet. I was to perform this minor operation at the end of the dog’s treatment. One week.

    5.00 AM. Attach sample bottle to pee-catcher and exit house. Thought I’d better put some gloves on, which were in the garage. I need to open a new box and if you’ve ever done it, you’ll know that the perforated oval shape in the top of the box never works properly, so I am a few moments longer than anticipated.

When I joined the dog in the garden he was just in the middle of an enormous piss - against my new table. No stopping him of course, and by the time I’d reached him, The Nile had run dry.

    So, no sample. I had to follow him down the field to try and catch a specimen from pee number two. Lots of sniffing but no urinary action. I finally caught up with him in a patch of long grass where we both went into action. Of course, the wispy grass deflected the stream all over the place and by the time I had reaped an estimated 0.000004 millilitres of sample, I was covered in dog piss. I’m glad I’d put the gloves on and praised my foresight for wearing my waterproof anorak.

    Luckily we were quite close to a rubbish bin so I was able to deposit most of the disposables in there including a couple of tissues I’d used for a ‘tidy up’. My anorak would need a turn through the washer. We stopped after one circuit so I could have a bit of a wash, but thereafter it was a pleasant morning.

    The vet phoned while I was on the bowling green (yes, new hobby) to say his infection had cleared up, so he could continue to frustrate me for the immediate future.

    I’ve included a photo of the table, which has relevance to the tale.

    It’s not for any self-congratulatory purpose I assure you, rather it’s preferable to one of me covered in dog piss.